2003-2007 started out pretty good. The govt. took my disability away from . the thing is I didn't go to the psychiatrist because nothing they were doing was helping. So, they took it away because of lack of paperwork. I appealed and got rejected. The next step was to go to court. To make a long story short I won the appeal but it took a lot out of me.
On this note I started going back to the psychiatrist. I felt pressured to get back in school. I felt like I wasn't doing enough because they took my disability away. I pushed myself to get back to school. This was a bad move as I look at it now.
I went back to college and worked at the university. I know deep down I could not handle the pressure of school. I went for 2 years and it nearly killed me. I got hooked on benzos and alcohol from the stress of school. Of course add not sleeping, and bipolar to the mix and this is a deadly combo.
I was drinking heavily, up to 16 beers on some nights. On weekdays, I started drinking 2-3 times a week. I was folding under the pressure of school and work. All this time I was going to the doctor. I did not tell them, because they would had put me in rehab. Plus the govt. would had probably revoked by disability.
Finally one day I was about to take a beer to school because I couldn't handle it. I said 'that's it I'm quitting it all.' After 2006-07 when I quit school I started drinking more and more.
I see now that I was trying to kill myself through xanax and drinking alcohol. I continued to drink to 2008. I would have 3 day hangovers, throwing up, and just plain feeling like shit. Also I quit going to the psychiatrist because even that got too much for me. I really don't see how I'm alive, I mean many people die from a combination of xanax and alcohol. I was drinking 3 times a week and popping 6-8 m grams of xanax.
Sometime in 2008 I said to myself 'the costs of drinking outweighs the benefits'. My responsibility to my parents was increasing and that did it. Just one day I said that's it, I haven't drank a drop in 1 year and 3 months. I did it straight cold turkey. I started running 2 hours a day, and probably haven't missed a day in the time frame I quit drinking. I think running helps me sort my thoughts out. I guess right now it is going as good as it has before I started drinking. In October of 2009 I will be reviewed again.
I don't know if I want to go through the process again, maybe I'll just drop my SSI. I'm tired of the govt. watching my every move, it's like I'm a criminal or something. I might have a girlfriend that would be a huge accomplishment. I haven't had any love in my life since 9 years ago. Yes, 9 years without a girlfriend, I don't know if it would help.
Monday, August 03, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Choice, No- choice, or Something else
I recently was talking to a girl and she asked 'is it a choice you are all alone'.
Y - means
X - ends
Z - factor that can interfere with Y
W - factor that can counteract Z
I don't know if she was really thinking about what she was saying but it brought a larger point in my head. anyway I responded to her that ultimately it was a choice I'm alone. or is it?
i want to have a girlfriend and all and the sex, but it's always a fleeting moment. i do ultimately want to be with someone but other times i don't want anybody. is it a choice I'm not with anybody? take say someone with cancer. lets say this person with cancer wants to go hiking. this person wants to go hiking but can't go hiking because that person doesn't have the energy to do it. so is it the person's choice to not go hiking? or is it that the person wants to go hiking but CAN'T go hiking? but how is it a choice when the person wants to hiking but can't go hiking?
I'll put it like this if a person wants to do X then that person must do Y to get to X. but Z can interfere with Y. therefore, it's not a choice that the person doesn't want to go hiking. the person simply can't do it. so more or less that person is in a dilemma. one could say for Z you could do W. in other words, you could make other choices to counteract Z. the thing is in the cancer person there is no way out of Z, so the person is left with no choice in the case.
another point is will. the person with cancer has the will to do the choice but can't do it. so the person has the will to do it, but not the means to do it. therefore, without the means to do the choice, the person has no choice. the person is simply in the position of no choice in the matter.
back to my problem with dating other people. i have the will to date the other person but i don't have the means to do it. in other words, i must do X to get to Y. however Z interferes with X making Y impossible to get to. although, W can counteract Z but the counteracting is not enough to overturn Z. therefore, it is not a choice that I'm alone. this is so because the inability to counteract Z.
Y - means
X - ends
Z - factor that can interfere with Y
W - factor that can counteract Z
I don't know if she was really thinking about what she was saying but it brought a larger point in my head. anyway I responded to her that ultimately it was a choice I'm alone. or is it?
i want to have a girlfriend and all and the sex, but it's always a fleeting moment. i do ultimately want to be with someone but other times i don't want anybody. is it a choice I'm not with anybody? take say someone with cancer. lets say this person with cancer wants to go hiking. this person wants to go hiking but can't go hiking because that person doesn't have the energy to do it. so is it the person's choice to not go hiking? or is it that the person wants to go hiking but CAN'T go hiking? but how is it a choice when the person wants to hiking but can't go hiking?
I'll put it like this if a person wants to do X then that person must do Y to get to X. but Z can interfere with Y. therefore, it's not a choice that the person doesn't want to go hiking. the person simply can't do it. so more or less that person is in a dilemma. one could say for Z you could do W. in other words, you could make other choices to counteract Z. the thing is in the cancer person there is no way out of Z, so the person is left with no choice in the case.
another point is will. the person with cancer has the will to do the choice but can't do it. so the person has the will to do it, but not the means to do it. therefore, without the means to do the choice, the person has no choice. the person is simply in the position of no choice in the matter.
back to my problem with dating other people. i have the will to date the other person but i don't have the means to do it. in other words, i must do X to get to Y. however Z interferes with X making Y impossible to get to. although, W can counteract Z but the counteracting is not enough to overturn Z. therefore, it is not a choice that I'm alone. this is so because the inability to counteract Z.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Q&A on Excercise and Depression
What is depression (if you have a solid site, like peer reviewed for this
clinical depression is feeling down or out of it for more than 2
weeks.depression is a mood disorder that effects millions of Americans. it
is not just the blues, it effects concentration, sleep patterns, anxiety is
increased, and/or self-esteem drops.
How it is treated, conventionally
first line of treatment is usually talk therapy. if this doesn't work then
medications are prescribe. after that a combination of medications and talk
therapy is next.
Physiological effects of exercise on depression
excercise increases blood flow to the brain. also endorphins can ease
depression in many people. some studies have shown that exercise helps
people with depression cope better with the disorder.
Cautions to using certain exercises
......What exercises works best or worse
one caution is if some one that is suicidal; exercise will not help
depression. one should not think that exercise will cure a clinical
depression. exercise should be used to complement treatments for depression.
it should not be a first line of defense, it this was the case, the cure for
depression would be so much simpler. everyone should just get out and
exercise and there would be no more depression. sadly this is not the case.
i say cardio is the best for depression, however, any sort of movement is
good.
Conclusion (summary, outlook, opinion, critique of other scientific
discoveries)
depression has been here since the dawn of man. abe lincoln, ernest
hemingway and many other famous people have suffered depression. the outlook
of depression is not good. the treatments of depression range in about 33%
effectiveness. clearly there needs to be more research on depression. the
are promising scientific discoveries for depression, such as deep brain
stimulation. this is where a part of the brain that is known to effect
people with depression. the idea is to stimulate the area and make the area
cool down. it is thought that these parts of the brain are on overdrive and
stimulating them cools it down.
here is a link on
depression;http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-overview-facts
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Atheist views
as a atheist i think im more moral and more honest as a human being than any christian. I live for the today not tomorrow, therefore i treat each day for what it is. It will be my only life, so make the best of it. Treat others as you want to be treated. Question everything, do not fall for tricks.
Now as i understand Christianity(just this line of thinking is contradictory-I've have learned Christianity my way;therefore other beliefs are all wrong), i was a christian for a while.You have to believe in virgin births, ascension to heaven, angels, miracles, etc. to me this is dishonest, how can u really believe these things? You are not being honest to yourself. When u start to doubt these things as a christian it is the devil talking.
It's not OK to question these things. This in my opinion is dangerous. It's dangerous because u start living for the next life not this life. You forget the essentials of living, your living in a fairytale. As i said once, and say again, u must be a fundamentalist ot get to heaven(again the way i was taught-of course this is contradictory again). because jesus said if u half believe in me, i will half believe in you on judgment.
LUKE 9:50
"Do not stop him," Jesus said, "for whoever is not against you is for you."
So, in all honestly, i can not go to heaven because i don't see how i can believe and be honest at the same time. my reason will not let me do this, my doubt will not let me fall for this.
This is why i don't see how people can be a agnostic, because if u do not truly believe in god, u will go hell. So, why believe or half believe when it doesn't matter - meaning u go to hell. isn't hell and heaven all it's about? i think so.
I DEFEND MY POSITION HERE HERE
Now as i understand Christianity(just this line of thinking is contradictory-I've have learned Christianity my way;therefore other beliefs are all wrong), i was a christian for a while.You have to believe in virgin births, ascension to heaven, angels, miracles, etc. to me this is dishonest, how can u really believe these things? You are not being honest to yourself. When u start to doubt these things as a christian it is the devil talking.
It's not OK to question these things. This in my opinion is dangerous. It's dangerous because u start living for the next life not this life. You forget the essentials of living, your living in a fairytale. As i said once, and say again, u must be a fundamentalist ot get to heaven(again the way i was taught-of course this is contradictory again). because jesus said if u half believe in me, i will half believe in you on judgment.
LUKE 9:50
"Do not stop him," Jesus said, "for whoever is not against you is for you."
So, in all honestly, i can not go to heaven because i don't see how i can believe and be honest at the same time. my reason will not let me do this, my doubt will not let me fall for this.
This is why i don't see how people can be a agnostic, because if u do not truly believe in god, u will go hell. So, why believe or half believe when it doesn't matter - meaning u go to hell. isn't hell and heaven all it's about? i think so.
I DEFEND MY POSITION HERE HERE
My Thoughts on CBT therapy to a Psychologist
wow where do i start. Let me say this first as a patience it is quite confusing when u get depression, general praticier doesn't no much. then you got 3 types of psychology, Freudian, cbt, behavioral psychology, It is quite confusing what to chose when your in the throes of depression. or schizophrenia, or bipolar, or ocd. Maybe it more of a education thing, the system is broken i think. As my assertions is not that unfounded. look at this site, they did a study at how mental health rates in the country.
http://www.nami.org/gtsTemplate.cfm?Section=Grading_the_States&lstid=676 National grade is a D.
cbt, i don't believe it is thoughts that cause mental illness , i believe it's the brain. specifically i think it is the brain that is broken, and negative thoughts are the byproduct. not vice versa. let me give u a example, i was with a psychologist one day adn he said wanting me to try to change my thinking pattern. i was like this is interesting. So, he continued to say now i want u to start saying u can, instead of u can't. ok, now i was like wtf. so we did some drills, and i started to say i can do this and i can do that. now obviously in my head , i said this guy has got to be kidding me. is this suppose to cure me or help me through depression? it smelled funny and it look funny. i think this was the most absurd methods of treatment i have ever witnessed. to think my MOOD is going to change if i start to say i can, instead of i cant'. suffice to say, it didn't stay very long at that psychologist. what a load of shit. I mean i think as i think, i learned when i was little this stuff. i went 18 yrs thinking like i think now, but i had no problems with my mood. There is something in the brain, that clicked off at the age of 18, i don't know what it was and i know no one knows exactly how depression is caused. but i assure u that saying i can instead of i cant is not the answer.hell it's more insulted than anything.
I know there are studies that say cbt is good. i recall there around 30 to 50 % effective and with drug treatment it goes even higher. But i have a problem with the methodology of all these studies to begin with. I mean for one method to be labeled as a success, you must improve 50%. Now this in itself should be IN RED on all of this studies. So, if there are 5 people that ONLY improve 50%, they are labeled a a success. therefore the treatment is 100% effective. i find this very dishonest scientifically. But I'll just say that any improvement is better than none, but the way it is presented is egracious to me and it pisses me off.
let me just close with this. I think behavior therapy is the best. Just going to talk to psychology about everyday problems are good. But when it comes to severe depression, schizophrenia or any of the severe conditions it falls short of the mark.
http://www.nami.org/gtsTemplate.cfm?Section=Grading_the_States&lstid=676 National grade is a D.
cbt, i don't believe it is thoughts that cause mental illness , i believe it's the brain. specifically i think it is the brain that is broken, and negative thoughts are the byproduct. not vice versa. let me give u a example, i was with a psychologist one day adn he said wanting me to try to change my thinking pattern. i was like this is interesting. So, he continued to say now i want u to start saying u can, instead of u can't. ok, now i was like wtf. so we did some drills, and i started to say i can do this and i can do that. now obviously in my head , i said this guy has got to be kidding me. is this suppose to cure me or help me through depression? it smelled funny and it look funny. i think this was the most absurd methods of treatment i have ever witnessed. to think my MOOD is going to change if i start to say i can, instead of i cant'. suffice to say, it didn't stay very long at that psychologist. what a load of shit. I mean i think as i think, i learned when i was little this stuff. i went 18 yrs thinking like i think now, but i had no problems with my mood. There is something in the brain, that clicked off at the age of 18, i don't know what it was and i know no one knows exactly how depression is caused. but i assure u that saying i can instead of i cant is not the answer.hell it's more insulted than anything.
I know there are studies that say cbt is good. i recall there around 30 to 50 % effective and with drug treatment it goes even higher. But i have a problem with the methodology of all these studies to begin with. I mean for one method to be labeled as a success, you must improve 50%. Now this in itself should be IN RED on all of this studies. So, if there are 5 people that ONLY improve 50%, they are labeled a a success. therefore the treatment is 100% effective. i find this very dishonest scientifically. But I'll just say that any improvement is better than none, but the way it is presented is egracious to me and it pisses me off.
let me just close with this. I think behavior therapy is the best. Just going to talk to psychology about everyday problems are good. But when it comes to severe depression, schizophrenia or any of the severe conditions it falls short of the mark.
Facts about Human Evolution -Notes
human evolution;
We evolved because of dietary changes, meat eating produced larger brains and smaller stomachs, plant eaters apes couldn't produce enough protein to evolve big enough brains. consequently they died out and meat eating apes evolve faster. they evolve faster because protein created bigger brains.
-1.5million yrs ago-homo erectius was the middle of human evolution,bones had Scoliosis which is only present in humans not apes, therefore these were our ancestors. Homo erectius didn't have the capability of language, although this is debatable. Regardless, even if they couldn't talk they still could have beliefs. We can hold beliefs in our head for years and never utter a word.
They had tiny brains compared to modern humans.This was because they had a big body and brain was like a 1 yr old baby. Most likely they moved like us meaning they walked in a upright fashion, but language was probably not present. This is because there no evidence of love, or objects of affection
-Heidelbergenis was present 500,000 years ago. The animals present in these times showed evidence of cutting their game with flint tools. Their brains were almost the size of modern humans indicated by the pearl test. Pearls are put into the brains and then poured out into a flask, thereby measuring it's size. Heidelbergenis might had had language because they made objects that were not tools. They were not used to cut meat, therefore, they were most likely gifts. Heidelbergenis roamed in groups; this suggest organization and community to hunt game. Spears have been found in Hanover, Germany that date back 400,000 years ago. This suggests that killing others or competition between social groups were in play. Affection for others have been identified in heidelbergenis because the cutting of the meat suggested that they were keeping meat in storage. Keeping it in storage indicates that they were caring for others, hence affection. Evidence has been found that Heidelbergenis molars exploded at the age of 5. In humans it explodes at 6, this connects our linage.
-40,000 years ago hominids were found in a cave near africa. They were not archaic like the Heidelbergenis. Their skulls had a low brow and a chin that was pronounced. Apes featured the opposite. Carbon dating is flawed after 40,000 yrs. 120,000 years ago was dated for these hominids, and the dating was done by soil dating. The soil dated seashells at the site that was dated at 120,000 years ago. DNA shows that we came from Africa 100,000 years ago. Spearheads were found at the site suggesting advanced thought behaviour. More over tools for make shoes were found as well. These hominids collected shell fish, suggesting they could cook and forage. Signs of fishing were discovered as well. Fishing takes a social cognitive group effort. Fires were made suggesting advance thought. Oaku (a red pigment) was found at the site suggesting ritualistic behaviour was performed. We find in other tribes around the world, people put this pigment on there face and perform rituals. Artifacts were found in the caves as well. Consequentially 100,000 years ago these people were highly advanced. They were human just like us.
-In w.Europe(france specifically) about 35,000 yrs ago. 70,000-200,000 yrs ago neanderthals were found. In the fossil record neanderthals disappear when our species started to inhabit the area. The DNA shows there's no good matches with our ancestory. They were parallel ancestors of us and were here around European areas. Neanderthal tools didn't change too much in 250,000 yrs of them existing, however. In contrast modern humans tools are found there are major changes and upgrades of there tools. The climatic changes starting wreaking havoc on Neanderthals and they couldn't adapt to these changes. There are ornaments found with these hominids. It was the first time ornaments were found in our 500,000 human evolution. The ornaments suggest these were our direct descendants. It shows they were loving, caring, and probably have some sort of worshiping going on.
We evolved because of dietary changes, meat eating produced larger brains and smaller stomachs, plant eaters apes couldn't produce enough protein to evolve big enough brains. consequently they died out and meat eating apes evolve faster. they evolve faster because protein created bigger brains.
-1.5million yrs ago-homo erectius was the middle of human evolution,bones had Scoliosis which is only present in humans not apes, therefore these were our ancestors. Homo erectius didn't have the capability of language, although this is debatable. Regardless, even if they couldn't talk they still could have beliefs. We can hold beliefs in our head for years and never utter a word.
They had tiny brains compared to modern humans.This was because they had a big body and brain was like a 1 yr old baby. Most likely they moved like us meaning they walked in a upright fashion, but language was probably not present. This is because there no evidence of love, or objects of affection
-Heidelbergenis was present 500,000 years ago. The animals present in these times showed evidence of cutting their game with flint tools. Their brains were almost the size of modern humans indicated by the pearl test. Pearls are put into the brains and then poured out into a flask, thereby measuring it's size. Heidelbergenis might had had language because they made objects that were not tools. They were not used to cut meat, therefore, they were most likely gifts. Heidelbergenis roamed in groups; this suggest organization and community to hunt game. Spears have been found in Hanover, Germany that date back 400,000 years ago. This suggests that killing others or competition between social groups were in play. Affection for others have been identified in heidelbergenis because the cutting of the meat suggested that they were keeping meat in storage. Keeping it in storage indicates that they were caring for others, hence affection. Evidence has been found that Heidelbergenis molars exploded at the age of 5. In humans it explodes at 6, this connects our linage.
-40,000 years ago hominids were found in a cave near africa. They were not archaic like the Heidelbergenis. Their skulls had a low brow and a chin that was pronounced. Apes featured the opposite. Carbon dating is flawed after 40,000 yrs. 120,000 years ago was dated for these hominids, and the dating was done by soil dating. The soil dated seashells at the site that was dated at 120,000 years ago. DNA shows that we came from Africa 100,000 years ago. Spearheads were found at the site suggesting advanced thought behaviour. More over tools for make shoes were found as well. These hominids collected shell fish, suggesting they could cook and forage. Signs of fishing were discovered as well. Fishing takes a social cognitive group effort. Fires were made suggesting advance thought. Oaku (a red pigment) was found at the site suggesting ritualistic behaviour was performed. We find in other tribes around the world, people put this pigment on there face and perform rituals. Artifacts were found in the caves as well. Consequentially 100,000 years ago these people were highly advanced. They were human just like us.
-In w.Europe(france specifically) about 35,000 yrs ago. 70,000-200,000 yrs ago neanderthals were found. In the fossil record neanderthals disappear when our species started to inhabit the area. The DNA shows there's no good matches with our ancestory. They were parallel ancestors of us and were here around European areas. Neanderthal tools didn't change too much in 250,000 yrs of them existing, however. In contrast modern humans tools are found there are major changes and upgrades of there tools. The climatic changes starting wreaking havoc on Neanderthals and they couldn't adapt to these changes. There are ornaments found with these hominids. It was the first time ornaments were found in our 500,000 human evolution. The ornaments suggest these were our direct descendants. It shows they were loving, caring, and probably have some sort of worshiping going on.
Friday, July 28, 2006
Depression: Myth or Reality?
The treatments of psychiatry are getting more and more ridiclous. And more and more people are calling them out on it. HERE (and another site which basically says depression is a mirage and its due to peoples' self-esteem and there inability to cope with change). I don't agree with this since obviously the person that wrote this has put up an defense mechanism, and an overgeneralizion of this malaise. However, how can I argue against what he says? There are no tests for depression, albeit, they can scan your brain and find abnormal features. This abnormal features, however, are not a conclusive diagnosis of depression.
It's like I'm in limbo. I can not prove I have depression, yet I can not disprove it. And there is where the loophole comes in. Skeptics of major depression feed on this but most probably don't know any kinda of scientific findings I sited. So, I feel they draw from their experience and just say "theres the strong-minded and the weak-minded." Another point I want to make is even in the psychology and psychiatry fields there are skeptics. So, how could some outsider expect to know depression is real when the experts are ignorant as well?
I just know that in an argument there is always an ignorant party. Thus, there would be no argument. Obviously, the guy that wrote the piece has suffered some type of depression. So, he contends that he has manage to beat depression so why can't the world? This is just a speculation on my part because before "the beast" hit me I've had those bouts of depression and beat them. Subsequently, I had the same opinion as him. So, I can not blame someone that is ignorant of the subject.
While I suffer from insomnia, anxiety, depression, sucidial thoughts, no relationships, agorphobia, and no ambition I grapple with the idea of is depression real? Why can't I snap out of it? I've tried my damnest to break out of it to no avail. So while the majority of people disregard the fact depression is real, I suffer the pain that people could think that. However, this does not really bother me that much because I'm just trying to make it through the day.
In summary, One day we will find the cause of this malaise and I will rejoice. Wow, that was a postive comment from a depressed person. Nahh it's called hope and one day there will be a real treatment for the beast.
It's like I'm in limbo. I can not prove I have depression, yet I can not disprove it. And there is where the loophole comes in. Skeptics of major depression feed on this but most probably don't know any kinda of scientific findings I sited. So, I feel they draw from their experience and just say "theres the strong-minded and the weak-minded." Another point I want to make is even in the psychology and psychiatry fields there are skeptics. So, how could some outsider expect to know depression is real when the experts are ignorant as well?
I just know that in an argument there is always an ignorant party. Thus, there would be no argument. Obviously, the guy that wrote the piece has suffered some type of depression. So, he contends that he has manage to beat depression so why can't the world? This is just a speculation on my part because before "the beast" hit me I've had those bouts of depression and beat them. Subsequently, I had the same opinion as him. So, I can not blame someone that is ignorant of the subject.
While I suffer from insomnia, anxiety, depression, sucidial thoughts, no relationships, agorphobia, and no ambition I grapple with the idea of is depression real? Why can't I snap out of it? I've tried my damnest to break out of it to no avail. So while the majority of people disregard the fact depression is real, I suffer the pain that people could think that. However, this does not really bother me that much because I'm just trying to make it through the day.
In summary, One day we will find the cause of this malaise and I will rejoice. Wow, that was a postive comment from a depressed person. Nahh it's called hope and one day there will be a real treatment for the beast.
Friday, May 12, 2006
To PSYCHOSURGERY.ORG about DBS
HI,
Look at these videos and it will explain what major depression is. Since you have zero clue on it.
And excercise and taking ginko blogo is almost laughable. (as the editors of this site claim)
HERE
HERE
Or HERE... the website
I'm gone now I need to get my light therapy on (which is for S.A.D. for the ignorant people). Its great!!!
Look at these videos and it will explain what major depression is. Since you have zero clue on it.
And excercise and taking ginko blogo is almost laughable. (as the editors of this site claim)
HERE
HERE
Or HERE... the website
I'm gone now I need to get my light therapy on (which is for S.A.D. for the ignorant people). Its great!!!
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Response to SueK on DBS.
I recently found a post by SueK about DBS here. It aroused my interests that I had to speak out and here is my response.
In the first paragraph of your argument I agree that psychiatrists use tricky jargon and misleading statistics. I would just say to you there are really no answers or cures for mental illnesses. (But there is mounting evidence) In this regard they have to convey some type of answer or treatment. They argue 70-90 percent of people with depression recovers or does better. This is very misleading. They forget to tell you they chalk a success if your symptoms are reduced by 50%. The real success rate of current treatments are 33 to 50 percent. I believe its fraudalant to inflate success rate numbers, yet it’s better than 0%. In addition, these numbers come more from pharmaceuticals that want to make a huge profit on the world.
“Psychiatrists use the stigmatizing term "last resort" to marginalize ECT patients and shift responsibility for treatment from themselves to the patients.”
I must say I disagree with this; you basically are condemning psychiatrists that want to help. If anything is stigmatizing it is society, such as you, not psychiatry. People believe that depression is an individual flaw, yet that’s far from the truth. There are thousands of studies to contradict this uninformed notion. Moreover, it seems, in your opinion, you would send someone mentally ill to the wolves. What do you expect someone treating a person with a debilitating illness to do? Sit idle and ask the spirits to heal them? You underestimate the epidemic of depression. There are so many flaws in your statement it’s really not worth further discussion.
“And just how do you decide who is the "sickest of the sick" in the absence of any biological tests for mental illness?”
True there are no biological tests, yet there are significant brain shrinkage in people who suffer from depression. (Once again, post back if you want to see the studies) Additionally, in MRI, and f MRI scans there is over activity in certain regions of the brain. Finally, the sickest of the sick is when an individually conveys life is not worth living anymore. Certainly, that is a good enough indicator to decide if your sick.
“A more cautious look at DBS is taken by American neurologist Joseph H Friedman in an article he wrote last year about the comeback of psychosurgery in the form of DBS:”
"...the lobotomy procedure represents a terrible, dark stain on the history of modern medicine which those of us involved in brain medicine must never forget. This "cure" for schizophrenia demonstrates what may happen when a converted few lose objectivity and a host of willing believers subvert their disbelief in the hopes that their own eyes deceived them."
HERE IS FRIEDMAN'S ARTICLE
The introduction to your quote of Friedman is misleading. You take this quote out of context. Friedman is only stating the history of lobotomies; he is not equating lobotomies to DBS. Also, you mislead by saying “a more cautious look at DBS”. Again you are scotch taping his words to make your argument sufficient. In fact, when he writes about the, “comeback of psychosurgery in the form of DBS”, you fail to leave out this comes from the first paragraph of his commentary; which actually states, “DBS is wonderful example of progress”.
Although, he continues in his first paragraph that “it’s a substantial implicit threat”. The reason he thinks this is stated at the end of his commentary. He basically is worried about the ethics of DBS if it is successful. For example, should we obtain DBS for every disorder imaginable to cure us? However, this is not your argument so I’ll leave it at that.
In addition, DBS is not a lobotomy it is brain surgery. A lobotomy is when there is actual cutting or destroying the tissue of the brain. In DBS there is no cutting or destroying of brain tissue. It is simply an electrode that emits a pulse to slow down the over activity of the area of the brain called broadman 25.
And another distinct difference is DBS is reversible, lobotomies are permanent. Furthermore, when lobotomies started in the 1930’s there was basically very limited knowledge in what they were doing. DBS is back up by 15 years of PET, MRI, and thousands of research papers of the under and over activities of mental illnesses in the brain. (If you want to see the research simply post back and I’ll be more than happy to refer you to them).
In the first paragraph of your argument I agree that psychiatrists use tricky jargon and misleading statistics. I would just say to you there are really no answers or cures for mental illnesses. (But there is mounting evidence) In this regard they have to convey some type of answer or treatment. They argue 70-90 percent of people with depression recovers or does better. This is very misleading. They forget to tell you they chalk a success if your symptoms are reduced by 50%. The real success rate of current treatments are 33 to 50 percent. I believe its fraudalant to inflate success rate numbers, yet it’s better than 0%. In addition, these numbers come more from pharmaceuticals that want to make a huge profit on the world.
“Psychiatrists use the stigmatizing term "last resort" to marginalize ECT patients and shift responsibility for treatment from themselves to the patients.”
I must say I disagree with this; you basically are condemning psychiatrists that want to help. If anything is stigmatizing it is society, such as you, not psychiatry. People believe that depression is an individual flaw, yet that’s far from the truth. There are thousands of studies to contradict this uninformed notion. Moreover, it seems, in your opinion, you would send someone mentally ill to the wolves. What do you expect someone treating a person with a debilitating illness to do? Sit idle and ask the spirits to heal them? You underestimate the epidemic of depression. There are so many flaws in your statement it’s really not worth further discussion.
“And just how do you decide who is the "sickest of the sick" in the absence of any biological tests for mental illness?”
True there are no biological tests, yet there are significant brain shrinkage in people who suffer from depression. (Once again, post back if you want to see the studies) Additionally, in MRI, and f MRI scans there is over activity in certain regions of the brain. Finally, the sickest of the sick is when an individually conveys life is not worth living anymore. Certainly, that is a good enough indicator to decide if your sick.
“A more cautious look at DBS is taken by American neurologist Joseph H Friedman in an article he wrote last year about the comeback of psychosurgery in the form of DBS:”
"...the lobotomy procedure represents a terrible, dark stain on the history of modern medicine which those of us involved in brain medicine must never forget. This "cure" for schizophrenia demonstrates what may happen when a converted few lose objectivity and a host of willing believers subvert their disbelief in the hopes that their own eyes deceived them."
HERE IS FRIEDMAN'S ARTICLE
The introduction to your quote of Friedman is misleading. You take this quote out of context. Friedman is only stating the history of lobotomies; he is not equating lobotomies to DBS. Also, you mislead by saying “a more cautious look at DBS”. Again you are scotch taping his words to make your argument sufficient. In fact, when he writes about the, “comeback of psychosurgery in the form of DBS”, you fail to leave out this comes from the first paragraph of his commentary; which actually states, “DBS is wonderful example of progress”.
Although, he continues in his first paragraph that “it’s a substantial implicit threat”. The reason he thinks this is stated at the end of his commentary. He basically is worried about the ethics of DBS if it is successful. For example, should we obtain DBS for every disorder imaginable to cure us? However, this is not your argument so I’ll leave it at that.
In addition, DBS is not a lobotomy it is brain surgery. A lobotomy is when there is actual cutting or destroying the tissue of the brain. In DBS there is no cutting or destroying of brain tissue. It is simply an electrode that emits a pulse to slow down the over activity of the area of the brain called broadman 25.
And another distinct difference is DBS is reversible, lobotomies are permanent. Furthermore, when lobotomies started in the 1930’s there was basically very limited knowledge in what they were doing. DBS is back up by 15 years of PET, MRI, and thousands of research papers of the under and over activities of mental illnesses in the brain. (If you want to see the research simply post back and I’ll be more than happy to refer you to them).
Thursday, February 02, 2006
My Treatment
After the visit to my medical doctor, I went to a psychologist. When I went in I was very nervous, because I thought somehow she could read my mind. This scared me. After talking to her for a while, I couldn't hold my emotions any longer. I started to cry uncontrollably, this was the first and last time I let my emotions out with tears (to a professional). She was very kind and considerate. She told me that depression is all over the world. For example, she rationalized it by saying "who would not be depressed with all the wars, and terrible things happening in the news. " I agreed and for some reason I felt this had nothing much to do about me. I saw her for a couple of months but I was not getting any better. Moreover, she would basically say the same thing every time I came in. It was obvious my depression was not lifting due to talking to someone. Anyway, psychotherapy is the same as talking to a good friend, except you have to pay for it.
Well over a couple of months I armed myself with books on Depression, and mental illness. This was huge because I finally felt knowledgeable about what I had. I now knew what to ask the psychiatrist and knowledge was a huge leap forward at getting better. So, when I finally went to my psychiatrist, it was the middle of 1998. I was happy and felt that finally I could get somewhere. When I went in we did a lot of psychological testing and had CT scans of my brain. I was overwhelmed with joy to finally know that this wasn't all in my head; it was actually a real disease. He prescribed me Prozac and I was so ready to get better. Overtime, we went through about 3 medications but nothing was helping. I was still going to college and was still struggling. Finally I dropped out sometime in 1999.(2 years)
I started to isolate my self because nothing was working. My Dad step in and said we have to go somewhere else and I agreed. So, I was hospitalized for 3 days. After being hospitalized, I was doing bad so I decided to have shock therapy.
This was the lowest point in my life. I had 9 treatments and had a spontaneous recovery after my 7th one. I had no depressed symptoms for about a week after all my treatments. After shock therapy did not work, I knew that I was out of options. I started to pray to God for help. I cried and begged him. Ultimately, nothing happen and I came to the conclusion there was no God. Of course there were other reasons I felt like this but this clinched it.
So from 1999-2003 I isolated myself in my room. No friends, no dates, no exercise, and no life. I slept most of the day. Sleep was my only way out of this pain. However, when I would sleep and have terrible nightmares and wakeup to find myself in a worse nightmare. There was no running from this disease it is hell and I'm burning everyday.
Well one good thing that happen is I obtained Disability or SSI for my disease. This help immensely with financial situations. I was so glad the government lent me a hand. It was a battle in it's self to obtain it and I could write a book on just this experience. Yet, at the end of 2003 they took it away from me. I had a lengthy court battle, but some fucking way I prevailed. Finally, my next post will cover 2004-to the present.
Well over a couple of months I armed myself with books on Depression, and mental illness. This was huge because I finally felt knowledgeable about what I had. I now knew what to ask the psychiatrist and knowledge was a huge leap forward at getting better. So, when I finally went to my psychiatrist, it was the middle of 1998. I was happy and felt that finally I could get somewhere. When I went in we did a lot of psychological testing and had CT scans of my brain. I was overwhelmed with joy to finally know that this wasn't all in my head; it was actually a real disease. He prescribed me Prozac and I was so ready to get better. Overtime, we went through about 3 medications but nothing was helping. I was still going to college and was still struggling. Finally I dropped out sometime in 1999.(2 years)
I started to isolate my self because nothing was working. My Dad step in and said we have to go somewhere else and I agreed. So, I was hospitalized for 3 days. After being hospitalized, I was doing bad so I decided to have shock therapy.
This was the lowest point in my life. I had 9 treatments and had a spontaneous recovery after my 7th one. I had no depressed symptoms for about a week after all my treatments. After shock therapy did not work, I knew that I was out of options. I started to pray to God for help. I cried and begged him. Ultimately, nothing happen and I came to the conclusion there was no God. Of course there were other reasons I felt like this but this clinched it.
So from 1999-2003 I isolated myself in my room. No friends, no dates, no exercise, and no life. I slept most of the day. Sleep was my only way out of this pain. However, when I would sleep and have terrible nightmares and wakeup to find myself in a worse nightmare. There was no running from this disease it is hell and I'm burning everyday.
Well one good thing that happen is I obtained Disability or SSI for my disease. This help immensely with financial situations. I was so glad the government lent me a hand. It was a battle in it's self to obtain it and I could write a book on just this experience. Yet, at the end of 2003 they took it away from me. I had a lengthy court battle, but some fucking way I prevailed. Finally, my next post will cover 2004-to the present.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
The Day Depression Came
On August 1997 something happen to me. It was something I've never experienced or felt before. I was 18 at the time and was about to enter college. A couple of months before August me and my girlfriend had a nasty breakup. She had cheated on me with about 5 people; some were good friends of mine. Of course she didn’t do this in one night but over a couple of months. I had no idea of what was happening but when I finally found out it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was not faithful to her either, so I guess in some way I deserved it. After I found out I just started to obsess about how she had sex with them.(what happen, was it good, are they better than me, and does she love me anymore) I always had control of our relationship, but this changed and it broke me. I tried to get her back, but I couldn't get the thoughts of her having sex with others out of my head. We did get back together a couple of times, but it was so unhealthy and the ruminating thoughts would not cease. So, all in all, she called it off and I was devastated. Furthermore, when we broke it off, I still could not get the thoughts to cease.
The weird thing about this is I have had bad breakups before, but this one seem to hover over me. So after months and months of thinking of this girl August of 1997 finally came. I was still down about this girl and all my friends were doing there best to get me out of this rut. So one night me and a couple of friends went out and drank and stuff. The next morning I had this horrible hangover. I chalked it up as just being a hangover, yet this thing would not lift. Finally after 2 weeks of feeling tired, anxious, depressed, and obsessing over ever little thing I was convinced there was something not right. So I went for about a month thinking I had some kind of disease (like cancer, aids). I went to the doctor and had all kinds of tests done and everything was perfectly normal.
Well suffice to say everything was not normal and I was feeling like I was going crazy. So, in September of 1997 I started college. It was the worst experience in my life. I was anxious every time I went to class. If someone would talk to me I would immediately have extreme anxiety. The anxiety got so bad I almost walk out of every class I attended. I tried my best to get through the day, yet I was fighting a no win situation. I had insomnia because of the obsessing thoughts I was having about going to class. Having no sleep really took a toll on me, and my grades. Yet I keep at it. A day seems like a year, and a month seemed like a eternity. My social life was going down the tubes as well. I started to make excuses to my friends so I didn’t have to face the anxiety of being around them. I started to feel they knew something was wrong. They were asking questions like "what’s wrong?", "why are you down?". I tried my best to answer their questions until the point I just quit being around them anymore. I got tired of them asking and couldn't hold back my emotions anymore. So, I just got away from them. Some of my friends took this badly, they thought I was avoiding them and some of them cut ties with me. To me this was just fine. It was just one less person to deal with.
My relationships with other people became no more. My love life was obsolete. And this continues to this day. I remember one day driving to class and looking out at some long uncut grass. I thought to myself I wish I was one of those blades of grass. The thing is grass doesn't have to do anything it just sways back and forth. It has no responsibilities, friends, feelings, and love. I knew then I had to do something. I had to go back to the doctor. It had been a year since my last visit, but this time I had to get answers. I was beginning to feel maybe this was just a part of getting older. Maybe this is what life is. So, with a year of suffering from these feelings I told my doctor there was just something not right with me. I continue to tell him about being depressed, anxious, obsessing, and having no sleep. This was probably the hardest thing I had to do. At 19, I felt I was a wussy for admitting these feelings and emotions. It took a year to get through my hard-head, that I had to tell my doctor these feelings. At the end of my session my doctor told me that the pollen in the air was probably causing all this. I couldn't believe it. So I left with this somewhat idiotic diagnosis. After this I started to think about suicide. I couldn't get it out of my head. The pain was so bad the only cure for this was to put a 45 to my head. Yet, I said to myself" I could never think about this" but it was always a thought. I thought I couldn't put my family through something like this. Furthermore, when my friend shot himself, I glanced back at the hurt of his actions. Although I don't blame him(my friend) for doing it. If his feelings were like mine, then it was definitely a viable choice.
In conclusion, I finally went to my doctor for a third visit. I emphatically requested something to ease the pain of all these symptoms. He finally relented and prescribed me Trazodone. Trazodone is a older anti-depressant and is more used for sleep. Over a couple of months my sleep improved dramatically [thank God]. However, all my anxiety, obsessing thoughts, suicide thinking, and depression did not relent. Also, he referred me to a psychologist. This will end my discussion on the pain of finally getting some kind of relief. The next phase of my depression was going to this psychologist and ultimately to a psychiatrist.
The weird thing about this is I have had bad breakups before, but this one seem to hover over me. So after months and months of thinking of this girl August of 1997 finally came. I was still down about this girl and all my friends were doing there best to get me out of this rut. So one night me and a couple of friends went out and drank and stuff. The next morning I had this horrible hangover. I chalked it up as just being a hangover, yet this thing would not lift. Finally after 2 weeks of feeling tired, anxious, depressed, and obsessing over ever little thing I was convinced there was something not right. So I went for about a month thinking I had some kind of disease (like cancer, aids). I went to the doctor and had all kinds of tests done and everything was perfectly normal.
Well suffice to say everything was not normal and I was feeling like I was going crazy. So, in September of 1997 I started college. It was the worst experience in my life. I was anxious every time I went to class. If someone would talk to me I would immediately have extreme anxiety. The anxiety got so bad I almost walk out of every class I attended. I tried my best to get through the day, yet I was fighting a no win situation. I had insomnia because of the obsessing thoughts I was having about going to class. Having no sleep really took a toll on me, and my grades. Yet I keep at it. A day seems like a year, and a month seemed like a eternity. My social life was going down the tubes as well. I started to make excuses to my friends so I didn’t have to face the anxiety of being around them. I started to feel they knew something was wrong. They were asking questions like "what’s wrong?", "why are you down?". I tried my best to answer their questions until the point I just quit being around them anymore. I got tired of them asking and couldn't hold back my emotions anymore. So, I just got away from them. Some of my friends took this badly, they thought I was avoiding them and some of them cut ties with me. To me this was just fine. It was just one less person to deal with.
My relationships with other people became no more. My love life was obsolete. And this continues to this day. I remember one day driving to class and looking out at some long uncut grass. I thought to myself I wish I was one of those blades of grass. The thing is grass doesn't have to do anything it just sways back and forth. It has no responsibilities, friends, feelings, and love. I knew then I had to do something. I had to go back to the doctor. It had been a year since my last visit, but this time I had to get answers. I was beginning to feel maybe this was just a part of getting older. Maybe this is what life is. So, with a year of suffering from these feelings I told my doctor there was just something not right with me. I continue to tell him about being depressed, anxious, obsessing, and having no sleep. This was probably the hardest thing I had to do. At 19, I felt I was a wussy for admitting these feelings and emotions. It took a year to get through my hard-head, that I had to tell my doctor these feelings. At the end of my session my doctor told me that the pollen in the air was probably causing all this. I couldn't believe it. So I left with this somewhat idiotic diagnosis. After this I started to think about suicide. I couldn't get it out of my head. The pain was so bad the only cure for this was to put a 45 to my head. Yet, I said to myself" I could never think about this" but it was always a thought. I thought I couldn't put my family through something like this. Furthermore, when my friend shot himself, I glanced back at the hurt of his actions. Although I don't blame him(my friend) for doing it. If his feelings were like mine, then it was definitely a viable choice.
In conclusion, I finally went to my doctor for a third visit. I emphatically requested something to ease the pain of all these symptoms. He finally relented and prescribed me Trazodone. Trazodone is a older anti-depressant and is more used for sleep. Over a couple of months my sleep improved dramatically [thank God]. However, all my anxiety, obsessing thoughts, suicide thinking, and depression did not relent. Also, he referred me to a psychologist. This will end my discussion on the pain of finally getting some kind of relief. The next phase of my depression was going to this psychologist and ultimately to a psychiatrist.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
My Upbringings
Hello, I'm not the best writer so I'm going to kind of free associate. I think this is the best way to get my ideas and feelings out. I will probably revise my thinking over time.
Anyway I was born Nov. 7, 1977 and I’m 28 years old. I went to a public school system where I graduated with a 2.9 GPA. Yes I just missed that 3.0. Anyway I’m not the brightest individual on the planet and this irks mean sometimes when someone is smarter than me. My IQ is around 100-120. Well after High school I went to college in 1997, where i majored in Environmental Science. I really didn’t know what i wanted to be. I chose this because my older brother did and I followed in his footsteps. However, my dad wanted me to get into engineering. I tried it for a couple of semesters but it didn’t seem to fit me well. And there are other reasons why I left engineering, but I'll talk about them later.
My parents are great, my Dad is a Engineer and my mom finds jobs here and there. Early in my life they were strict about me going out and about my schoolwork. Later on they let up, yet they worried about me all the time. I and my dad are kind of macho like. You know we show our love without hugs and kisses but by hitting on each other and wrestling around. I'm definitely a momma’s boy, I and she get along well but sometimes she can get on my nerves.
When I was in high school I had a very beautiful girlfriend. We went out for about 4 yrs but when graduated came, things went totally downhill. She moved away and things got ugly. We broke up around graduation because she gave me a choice. The choice she ask me was "Do you want me to stay or leave?" I didn’t answer because I felt like if she stayed I would be stuck with her. I was 18 and it was a tough choice and I just never answer her. She took it as "ok he doesn’t want me to stay" So she left.
Now In high school I was active in baseball and a lot of clubs. I never participated in the clubs, I just signed up so it would look good to colleges and resumes. I was an all-star baseball player, yet when I sat the bench for 2 yrs it took a huge gap from my confidence. I was never the same again, however, it doesn’t really matter that much today.
In high school, especially my JR. Sr., I was the top dog. I had all kinds of friends and I believe I was very popular. Yet I never felt comfortably in being in with the top people. They were backstabbers and really poor friend. I really stressed maximum loyalty from my friends. This was a disaster waiting to happen. Anyway, I went down to the not so popular crowd because they were real and I felt comfortable around them. They brought the best out of me. The big smile, the fact it didn’t matter if you messed up etc.. Also the best times of my life was going out with my friends a drinking and partying. It was Awesome.
I never had problems with my health, although, I jammed my verbrates when I was 12 and was in the hospital for 2 weeks. It was very tough, the pain was unbearable. Luckily, I came out of the injury in tip top shape. This experience was nothing to the one that was coming in the month of August 1997. The shadow of darkness would come in this month. I will talk about this later.
One other tragedy that happens with me was in May 31, 1995. My best friend Chris committed suicide, he was 20 (I was 16). I loved this guy so much; he was like my idol and mentor. I remember at the viewing when I saw him in the casket. I just busted out, spitting, crying. I could not believe my reaction. I put in my head that I would hold back the tears (macho man). Yet the extreme reality of the situation sent a bolt through me. It was unreal, and I’ve never felt something like that since then. It was like a unseen force knocking me down. Well I grieved for about a week and a half. And slowly but surely I was back to my normal self.
Summing up, I think high school was the best time of my life. For 18 yrs I was so happy and content. I had everything you could imagine. I had great parents, a great life, and great family. Yet, after Aug of 1997 an ominous cloud would creep in from hell. This will be my next topic.
Anyway I was born Nov. 7, 1977 and I’m 28 years old. I went to a public school system where I graduated with a 2.9 GPA. Yes I just missed that 3.0. Anyway I’m not the brightest individual on the planet and this irks mean sometimes when someone is smarter than me. My IQ is around 100-120. Well after High school I went to college in 1997, where i majored in Environmental Science. I really didn’t know what i wanted to be. I chose this because my older brother did and I followed in his footsteps. However, my dad wanted me to get into engineering. I tried it for a couple of semesters but it didn’t seem to fit me well. And there are other reasons why I left engineering, but I'll talk about them later.
My parents are great, my Dad is a Engineer and my mom finds jobs here and there. Early in my life they were strict about me going out and about my schoolwork. Later on they let up, yet they worried about me all the time. I and my dad are kind of macho like. You know we show our love without hugs and kisses but by hitting on each other and wrestling around. I'm definitely a momma’s boy, I and she get along well but sometimes she can get on my nerves.
When I was in high school I had a very beautiful girlfriend. We went out for about 4 yrs but when graduated came, things went totally downhill. She moved away and things got ugly. We broke up around graduation because she gave me a choice. The choice she ask me was "Do you want me to stay or leave?" I didn’t answer because I felt like if she stayed I would be stuck with her. I was 18 and it was a tough choice and I just never answer her. She took it as "ok he doesn’t want me to stay" So she left.
Now In high school I was active in baseball and a lot of clubs. I never participated in the clubs, I just signed up so it would look good to colleges and resumes. I was an all-star baseball player, yet when I sat the bench for 2 yrs it took a huge gap from my confidence. I was never the same again, however, it doesn’t really matter that much today.
In high school, especially my JR. Sr., I was the top dog. I had all kinds of friends and I believe I was very popular. Yet I never felt comfortably in being in with the top people. They were backstabbers and really poor friend. I really stressed maximum loyalty from my friends. This was a disaster waiting to happen. Anyway, I went down to the not so popular crowd because they were real and I felt comfortable around them. They brought the best out of me. The big smile, the fact it didn’t matter if you messed up etc.. Also the best times of my life was going out with my friends a drinking and partying. It was Awesome.
I never had problems with my health, although, I jammed my verbrates when I was 12 and was in the hospital for 2 weeks. It was very tough, the pain was unbearable. Luckily, I came out of the injury in tip top shape. This experience was nothing to the one that was coming in the month of August 1997. The shadow of darkness would come in this month. I will talk about this later.
One other tragedy that happens with me was in May 31, 1995. My best friend Chris committed suicide, he was 20 (I was 16). I loved this guy so much; he was like my idol and mentor. I remember at the viewing when I saw him in the casket. I just busted out, spitting, crying. I could not believe my reaction. I put in my head that I would hold back the tears (macho man). Yet the extreme reality of the situation sent a bolt through me. It was unreal, and I’ve never felt something like that since then. It was like a unseen force knocking me down. Well I grieved for about a week and a half. And slowly but surely I was back to my normal self.
Summing up, I think high school was the best time of my life. For 18 yrs I was so happy and content. I had everything you could imagine. I had great parents, a great life, and great family. Yet, after Aug of 1997 an ominous cloud would creep in from hell. This will be my next topic.
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