On August 1997 something happen to me. It was something I've never experienced or felt before. I was 18 at the time and was about to enter college. A couple of months before August me and my girlfriend had a nasty breakup. She had cheated on me with about 5 people; some were good friends of mine. Of course she didn’t do this in one night but over a couple of months. I had no idea of what was happening but when I finally found out it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was not faithful to her either, so I guess in some way I deserved it. After I found out I just started to obsess about how she had sex with them.(what happen, was it good, are they better than me, and does she love me anymore) I always had control of our relationship, but this changed and it broke me. I tried to get her back, but I couldn't get the thoughts of her having sex with others out of my head. We did get back together a couple of times, but it was so unhealthy and the ruminating thoughts would not cease. So, all in all, she called it off and I was devastated. Furthermore, when we broke it off, I still could not get the thoughts to cease.
The weird thing about this is I have had bad breakups before, but this one seem to hover over me. So after months and months of thinking of this girl August of 1997 finally came. I was still down about this girl and all my friends were doing there best to get me out of this rut. So one night me and a couple of friends went out and drank and stuff. The next morning I had this horrible hangover. I chalked it up as just being a hangover, yet this thing would not lift. Finally after 2 weeks of feeling tired, anxious, depressed, and obsessing over ever little thing I was convinced there was something not right. So I went for about a month thinking I had some kind of disease (like cancer, aids). I went to the doctor and had all kinds of tests done and everything was perfectly normal.
Well suffice to say everything was not normal and I was feeling like I was going crazy. So, in September of 1997 I started college. It was the worst experience in my life. I was anxious every time I went to class. If someone would talk to me I would immediately have extreme anxiety. The anxiety got so bad I almost walk out of every class I attended. I tried my best to get through the day, yet I was fighting a no win situation. I had insomnia because of the obsessing thoughts I was having about going to class. Having no sleep really took a toll on me, and my grades. Yet I keep at it. A day seems like a year, and a month seemed like a eternity. My social life was going down the tubes as well. I started to make excuses to my friends so I didn’t have to face the anxiety of being around them. I started to feel they knew something was wrong. They were asking questions like "what’s wrong?", "why are you down?". I tried my best to answer their questions until the point I just quit being around them anymore. I got tired of them asking and couldn't hold back my emotions anymore. So, I just got away from them. Some of my friends took this badly, they thought I was avoiding them and some of them cut ties with me. To me this was just fine. It was just one less person to deal with.
My relationships with other people became no more. My love life was obsolete. And this continues to this day. I remember one day driving to class and looking out at some long uncut grass. I thought to myself I wish I was one of those blades of grass. The thing is grass doesn't have to do anything it just sways back and forth. It has no responsibilities, friends, feelings, and love. I knew then I had to do something. I had to go back to the doctor. It had been a year since my last visit, but this time I had to get answers. I was beginning to feel maybe this was just a part of getting older. Maybe this is what life is. So, with a year of suffering from these feelings I told my doctor there was just something not right with me. I continue to tell him about being depressed, anxious, obsessing, and having no sleep. This was probably the hardest thing I had to do. At 19, I felt I was a wussy for admitting these feelings and emotions. It took a year to get through my hard-head, that I had to tell my doctor these feelings. At the end of my session my doctor told me that the pollen in the air was probably causing all this. I couldn't believe it. So I left with this somewhat idiotic diagnosis. After this I started to think about suicide. I couldn't get it out of my head. The pain was so bad the only cure for this was to put a 45 to my head. Yet, I said to myself" I could never think about this" but it was always a thought. I thought I couldn't put my family through something like this. Furthermore, when my friend shot himself, I glanced back at the hurt of his actions. Although I don't blame him(my friend) for doing it. If his feelings were like mine, then it was definitely a viable choice.
In conclusion, I finally went to my doctor for a third visit. I emphatically requested something to ease the pain of all these symptoms. He finally relented and prescribed me Trazodone. Trazodone is a older anti-depressant and is more used for sleep. Over a couple of months my sleep improved dramatically [thank God]. However, all my anxiety, obsessing thoughts, suicide thinking, and depression did not relent. Also, he referred me to a psychologist. This will end my discussion on the pain of finally getting some kind of relief. The next phase of my depression was going to this psychologist and ultimately to a psychiatrist.
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