My Treatment

After the visit to my medical doctor, I went to a psychologist. When I went in I was very nervous, because I thought somehow she could read my mind. This scared me. After talking to her for a while, I couldn't hold my emotions any longer. I started to cry uncontrollably, this was the first and last time I let my emotions out with tears (to a professional). She was very kind and considerate. She told me that depression is all over the world. For example, she rationalized it by saying "who would not be depressed with all the wars, and terrible things happening in the news. " I agreed and for some reason I felt this had nothing much to do about me. I saw her for a couple of months but I was not getting any better. Moreover, she would basically say the same thing every time I came in. It was obvious my depression was not lifting due to talking to someone. Anyway, psychotherapy is the same as talking to a good friend, except you have to pay for it.

Well over a couple of months I armed myself with books on Depression, and mental illness. This was huge because I finally felt knowledgeable about what I had. I now knew what to ask the psychiatrist and knowledge was a huge leap forward at getting better. So, when I finally went to my psychiatrist, it was the middle of 1998. I was happy and felt that finally I could get somewhere. When I went in we did a lot of psychological testing and had CT scans of my brain. I was overwhelmed with joy to finally know that this wasn't all in my head; it was actually a real disease. He prescribed me Prozac and I was so ready to get better. Overtime, we went through about 3 medications but nothing was helping. I was still going to college and was still struggling. Finally I dropped out sometime in 1999.(2 years)

I started to isolate my self because nothing was working. My Dad step in and said we have to go somewhere else and I agreed. So, I was hospitalized for 3 days. After being hospitalized, I was doing bad so I decided to have shock therapy.
This was the lowest point in my life. I had 9 treatments and had a spontaneous recovery after my 7th one. I had no depressed symptoms for about a week after all my treatments. After shock therapy did not work, I knew that I was out of options. I started to pray to God for help. I cried and begged him. Ultimately, nothing happen and I came to the conclusion there was no God. Of course there were other reasons I felt like this but this clinched it.

So from 1999-2003 I isolated myself in my room. No friends, no dates, no exercise, and no life. I slept most of the day. Sleep was my only way out of this pain. However, when I would sleep and have terrible nightmares and wakeup to find myself in a worse nightmare. There was no running from this disease it is hell and I'm burning everyday.

Well one good thing that happen is I obtained Disability or SSI for my disease. This help immensely with financial situations. I was so glad the government lent me a hand. It was a battle in it's self to obtain it and I could write a book on just this experience. Yet, at the end of 2003 they took it away from me. I had a lengthy court battle, but some fucking way I prevailed. Finally, my next post will cover 2004-to the present.