August 2, 2010--Depression Battle

So, hey I'm back. Well I just finished 6 months of college and got 4 classes in. It was tough because you're on the grind 24/7, it is like a 20 hour week, or a part-time job. You got to have a lot of discipline because you are your own boss for 6 months. You got papers due, test due, and presentations due. The summer semester was fast, and demanding.

I had 4 oral presentations in two classes this semester, that was my greatest fear to present in front of people, you think it would get easier but it doesn't. Now if the class was a group all semester I think it would be easier because you can practice, and get to know each other. I met a lot good people this semester, a lot of people that are professional, and are straighter than an arrow. A lot a people that do work, and work all day long. This is my competition, I don't know how I'm going to compete for a job with one of these folks, but hey I'll worry about them when it comes up.

So how's my depression and anxiety? Well I think my depression stays in check when I'm busy, I've had group almost 8 months now, so that is every tuesday, I'll have to quit going to group because I'll have a class in that time slot. Well my anxiety is always high, because I'm out there talking to people, doing presentations, and helping others at group. The anxiety never lets up, I have a persistent chest tightness from the anxiety. I'm using CBT every day and that seems to being doing the trick. For example, I think 'oh what if this guy gets on to me for asking a question?' STOP I'm mindreading and catastrophizing in the same sentence, yeah I do this daily. STOP, STOP

I'm now on Remeron 15mg, Ambien 10mg, Pamelor 150mg, and Xanax 1mg(only when needed). I still worry about when I'm on Xanax my intellectual abilities seem to suffer, I'm not as sharp when I'm on it. However, I truly need it some days , or I would just quit. Just knowing I have a back plan does the trick, and gets me through the anxiety moment, or event. I think I'm on too many meds, but I'm going to keep taking them as prescribed. If I'm worried about I'll just dropped the shit, no need in taking three medicines and not it working. My psychiatrist is pretty sharp though, if I'm willing to put myself out there, I believe he is willing to do his best. However, if I'm not doing my best, I won't get his best. Which makes sense, I guess I wouldn't want to treat someone that doesn't try, or isn't trying his best.

What about my drinking? I drank a total of three times in about two years and eight months, and when I've drank I limited to like six beers at best. You're not suppose to be drinking with all these medicines, so that's another motivation not to drink. I yearned it pretty hard when I in a high pressure situation. For instance, my partner in my group in class was supposed to write a paper. At the last minute she said she had not started on it. I couldn't believe she didn't tell me in six weeks we met each other. That was a pretty stupid move, because I could had been working on for six weeks, I could tell that she wasn't doing it but I trusted her. Well I wrote the paper in a night, I learned that she was a procrastinator, and only did stuff when she had like 24 hours to do it. Hey I guess it works for her, but in a group that is messed up. Well after that day I was pretty stressed out, and wanted to drink a gallon of whiskey, but never did in the end. I was just too tired after that.

Additionally, I had two 10 page essays this semester, I worked on them just about every day. I just don't have many friends to be around like when I was 18. It's due to my social phobia and my mood problems. I don't know how I'll fix this in a job related activity. Moreover coming August 16th I'll have 12 hours--probably a 25 hour week, and four classes, that is the most I've ever taken, I think I can do it with the proper amount of anxiety and sleep.

All in all, keeping busy has suppressed my depression, and my anxiety has risen. Insomnia has wrecked me a couple of days this semester, I got like 20 hours with no sleep, yeah there is going to be a lot of irritability, and I suffer from this constantly. As for a love life, I've come close to one this semester but nothing panned out, I really believe if I was out there 10-20 more hours I would have all kinds of girls. That's just it , girls come to you when you are dependable, and out-going. It took me a while to figure it out, and I thought it was me. That doesn't make sense, cause I had all kinds of girls when I was 17-20, but since my depression hit, I've not had much of any kind of girls. Besides, who would want to go out with someone that's depressed? I don't think many.

Well my main problems now are anxiety , and insomnia. My depression has leveled-out with me being busy, and running everyday for an hour and a half. Also, I think my meds are doing well, I think this time I'm doing it right with the school thing. Although, I've had a couple of weeks where I almost quit, largely from lack of sleep, maybe I just should not go to class when I haven't slept. This would be a bad idea though, if you miss too much you fail.

In conclusion, I would say I about a six out of 10, with one being the worst. Good luck

Update on My Depression 2004-2009

2003-2007 started out pretty good. The govt. took my disability away from . the thing is I didn't go to the psychiatrist because nothing they were doing was helping. So, they took it away because of lack of paperwork. I appealed and got rejected. The next step was to go to court. To make a long story short I won the appeal but it took a lot out of me.

On this note I started going back to the psychiatrist. I felt pressured to get back in school. I felt like I wasn't doing enough because they took my disability away. I pushed myself to get back to school. This was a bad move as I look at it now.

I went back to college and worked at the university. I know deep down I could not handle the pressure of school. I went for 2 years and it nearly killed me. I got hooked on benzos and alcohol from the stress of school. Of course add not sleeping, and bipolar to the mix and this is a deadly combo.

I was drinking heavily, up to 16 beers on some nights. On weekdays, I started drinking 2-3 times a week. I was folding under the pressure of school and work. All this time I was going to the doctor. I did not tell them, because they would had put me in rehab. Plus the govt. would had probably revoked by disability.

Finally one day I was about to take a beer to school because I couldn't handle it. I said 'that's it I'm quitting it all.' After 2006-07 when I quit school I started drinking more and more.

I see now that I was trying to kill myself through xanax and drinking alcohol. I continued to drink to 2008. I would have 3 day hangovers, throwing up, and just plain feeling like shit. Also I quit going to the psychiatrist because even that got too much for me. I really don't see how I'm alive, I mean many people die from a combination of xanax and alcohol. I was drinking 3 times a week and popping 6-8 m grams of xanax.

Sometime in 2008 I said to myself 'the costs of drinking outweighs the benefits'. My responsibility to my parents was increasing and that did it. Just one day I said that's it, I haven't drank a drop in 1 year and 3 months. I did it straight cold turkey. I started running 2 hours a day, and probably haven't missed a day in the time frame I quit drinking. I think running helps me sort my thoughts out. I guess right now it is going as good as it has before I started drinking. In October of 2009 I will be reviewed again.

I don't know if I want to go through the process again, maybe I'll just drop my SSI. I'm tired of the govt. watching my every move, it's like I'm a criminal or something. I might have a girlfriend that would be a huge accomplishment. I haven't had any love in my life since 9 years ago. Yes, 9 years without a girlfriend, I don't know if it would help.

Choice, No- choice, or Something else

I recently was talking to a girl and she asked 'is it a choice you are all alone'.

Y - means
X - ends
Z - factor that can interfere with Y
W - factor that can counteract Z

I don't know if she was really thinking about what she was saying but it brought a larger point in my head. anyway I responded to her that ultimately it was a choice I'm alone. or is it?

i want to have a girlfriend and all and the sex, but it's always a fleeting moment. i do ultimately want to be with someone but other times i don't want anybody. is it a choice I'm not with anybody? take say someone with cancer. lets say this person with cancer wants to go hiking. this person wants to go hiking but can't go hiking because that person doesn't have the energy to do it. so is it the person's choice to not go hiking? or is it that the person wants to go hiking but CAN'T go hiking? but how is it a choice when the person wants to hiking but can't go hiking?

I'll put it like this if a person wants to do X then that person must do Y to get to X. but Z can interfere with Y. therefore, it's not a choice that the person doesn't want to go hiking. the person simply can't do it. so more or less that person is in a dilemma. one could say for Z you could do W. in other words, you could make other choices to counteract Z. the thing is in the cancer person there is no way out of Z, so the person is left with no choice in the case.

another point is will. the person with cancer has the will to do the choice but can't do it. so the person has the will to do it, but not the means to do it. therefore, without the means to do the choice, the person has no choice. the person is simply in the position of no choice in the matter.

back to my problem with dating other people. i have the will to date the other person but i don't have the means to do it. in other words, i must do X to get to Y. however Z interferes with X making Y impossible to get to. although, W can counteract Z but the counteracting is not enough to overturn Z. therefore, it is not a choice that I'm alone. this is so because the inability to counteract Z.

Q&A on Excercise and Depression

What is depression (if you have a solid site, like peer reviewed for this

clinical depression is feeling down or out of it for more than 2
weeks.depression is a mood disorder that effects millions of Americans. it
is not just the blues, it effects concentration, sleep patterns, anxiety is
increased, and/or self-esteem drops.

How it is treated, conventionally

first line of treatment is usually talk therapy. if this doesn't work then
medications are prescribe. after that a combination of medications and talk
therapy is next.

Physiological effects of exercise on depression

excercise increases blood flow to the brain. also endorphins can ease
depression in many people. some studies have shown that exercise helps
people with depression cope better with the disorder.

Cautions to using certain exercises

......What exercises works best or worse
one caution is if some one that is suicidal; exercise will not help
depression. one should not think that exercise will cure a clinical
depression. exercise should be used to complement treatments for depression.
it should not be a first line of defense, it this was the case, the cure for
depression would be so much simpler. everyone should just get out and
exercise and there would be no more depression. sadly this is not the case.

i say cardio is the best for depression, however, any sort of movement is
good.

Conclusion (summary, outlook, opinion, critique of other scientific
discoveries)

depression has been here since the dawn of man. abe lincoln, ernest
hemingway and many other famous people have suffered depression. the outlook
of depression is not good. the treatments of depression range in about 33%
effectiveness. clearly there needs to be more research on depression. the
are promising scientific discoveries for depression, such as deep brain
stimulation. this is where a part of the brain that is known to effect
people with depression. the idea is to stimulate the area and make the area
cool down. it is thought that these parts of the brain are on overdrive and
stimulating them cools it down.

here is a link on
depression;http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-overview-facts

Atheist views

as a atheist i think im more moral and more honest as a human being than any christian. I live for the today not tomorrow, therefore i treat each day for what it is. It will be my only life, so make the best of it. Treat others as you want to be treated. Question everything, do not fall for tricks.

Now as i understand Christianity(just this line of thinking is contradictory-I've have learned Christianity my way;therefore other beliefs are all wrong), i was a christian for a while.You have to believe in virgin births, ascension to heaven, angels, miracles, etc. to me this is dishonest, how can u really believe these things? You are not being honest to yourself. When u start to doubt these things as a christian it is the devil talking.

It's not OK to question these things. This in my opinion is dangerous. It's dangerous because u start living for the next life not this life. You forget the essentials of living, your living in a fairytale. As i said once, and say again, u must be a fundamentalist ot get to heaven(again the way i was taught-of course this is contradictory again). because jesus said if u half believe in me, i will half believe in you on judgment.

LUKE 9:50
"Do not stop him," Jesus said, "for whoever is not against you is for you."

So, in all honestly, i can not go to heaven because i don't see how i can believe and be honest at the same time. my reason will not let me do this, my doubt will not let me fall for this.

This is why i don't see how people can be a agnostic, because if u do not truly believe in god, u will go hell. So, why believe or half believe when it doesn't matter - meaning u go to hell. isn't hell and heaven all it's about? i think so.

I DEFEND MY POSITION HERE HERE

My Thoughts on CBT therapy to a Psychologist

wow where do i start. Let me say this first as a patience it is quite confusing when u get depression, general praticier doesn't no much. then you got 3 types of psychology, Freudian, cbt, behavioral psychology, It is quite confusing what to chose when your in the throes of depression. or schizophrenia, or bipolar, or ocd. Maybe it more of a education thing, the system is broken i think. As my assertions is not that unfounded. look at this site, they did a study at how mental health rates in the country.

http://www.nami.org/gtsTemplate.cfm?Section=Grading_the_States&lstid=676 National grade is a D.

cbt, i don't believe it is thoughts that cause mental illness , i believe it's the brain. specifically i think it is the brain that is broken, and negative thoughts are the byproduct. not vice versa. let me give u a example, i was with a psychologist one day adn he said wanting me to try to change my thinking pattern. i was like this is interesting. So, he continued to say now i want u to start saying u can, instead of u can't. ok, now i was like wtf. so we did some drills, and i started to say i can do this and i can do that. now obviously in my head , i said this guy has got to be kidding me. is this suppose to cure me or help me through depression? it smelled funny and it look funny. i think this was the most absurd methods of treatment i have ever witnessed. to think my MOOD is going to change if i start to say i can, instead of i cant'. suffice to say, it didn't stay very long at that psychologist. what a load of shit. I mean i think as i think, i learned when i was little this stuff. i went 18 yrs thinking like i think now, but i had no problems with my mood. There is something in the brain, that clicked off at the age of 18, i don't know what it was and i know no one knows exactly how depression is caused. but i assure u that saying i can instead of i cant is not the answer.hell it's more insulted than anything.

I know there are studies that say cbt is good. i recall there around 30 to 50 % effective and with drug treatment it goes even higher. But i have a problem with the methodology of all these studies to begin with. I mean for one method to be labeled as a success, you must improve 50%. Now this in itself should be IN RED on all of this studies. So, if there are 5 people that ONLY improve 50%, they are labeled a a success. therefore the treatment is 100% effective. i find this very dishonest scientifically. But I'll just say that any improvement is better than none, but the way it is presented is egracious to me and it pisses me off.

let me just close with this. I think behavior therapy is the best. Just going to talk to psychology about everyday problems are good. But when it comes to severe depression, schizophrenia or any of the severe conditions it falls short of the mark.

Facts about Human Evolution -Notes

human evolution;
We evolved because of dietary changes, meat eating produced larger brains and smaller stomachs, plant eaters apes couldn't produce enough protein to evolve big enough brains. consequently they died out and meat eating apes evolve faster. they evolve faster because protein created bigger brains.

-1.5million yrs ago-homo erectius was the middle of human evolution,bones had Scoliosis which is only present in humans not apes, therefore these were our ancestors. Homo erectius didn't have the capability of language, although this is debatable. Regardless, even if they couldn't talk they still could have beliefs. We can hold beliefs in our head for years and never utter a word.

They had tiny brains compared to modern humans.This was because they had a big body and brain was like a 1 yr old baby. Most likely they moved like us meaning they walked in a upright fashion, but language was probably not present. This is because there no evidence of love, or objects of affection


-Heidelbergenis was present 500,000 years ago. The animals present in these times showed evidence of cutting their game with flint tools. Their brains were almost the size of modern humans indicated by the pearl test. Pearls are put into the brains and then poured out into a flask, thereby measuring it's size. Heidelbergenis might had had language because they made objects that were not tools. They were not used to cut meat, therefore, they were most likely gifts. Heidelbergenis roamed in groups; this suggest organization and community to hunt game. Spears have been found in Hanover, Germany that date back 400,000 years ago. This suggests that killing others or competition between social groups were in play. Affection for others have been identified in heidelbergenis because the cutting of the meat suggested that they were keeping meat in storage. Keeping it in storage indicates that they were caring for others, hence affection. Evidence has been found that Heidelbergenis molars exploded at the age of 5. In humans it explodes at 6, this connects our linage.

-40,000 years ago hominids were found in a cave near africa. They were not archaic like the Heidelbergenis. Their skulls had a low brow and a chin that was pronounced. Apes featured the opposite. Carbon dating is flawed after 40,000 yrs. 120,000 years ago was dated for these hominids, and the dating was done by soil dating. The soil dated seashells at the site that was dated at 120,000 years ago. DNA shows that we came from Africa 100,000 years ago. Spearheads were found at the site suggesting advanced thought behaviour. More over tools for make shoes were found as well. These hominids collected shell fish, suggesting they could cook and forage. Signs of fishing were discovered as well. Fishing takes a social cognitive group effort. Fires were made suggesting advance thought. Oaku (a red pigment) was found at the site suggesting ritualistic behaviour was performed. We find in other tribes around the world, people put this pigment on there face and perform rituals. Artifacts were found in the caves as well. Consequentially 100,000 years ago these people were highly advanced. They were human just like us.

-In w.Europe(france specifically) about 35,000 yrs ago. 70,000-200,000 yrs ago neanderthals were found. In the fossil record neanderthals disappear when our species started to inhabit the area. The DNA shows there's no good matches with our ancestory. They were parallel ancestors of us and were here around European areas. Neanderthal tools didn't change too much in 250,000 yrs of them existing, however. In contrast modern humans tools are found there are major changes and upgrades of there tools. The climatic changes starting wreaking havoc on Neanderthals and they couldn't adapt to these changes. There are ornaments found with these hominids. It was the first time ornaments were found in our 500,000 human evolution. The ornaments suggest these were our direct descendants. It shows they were loving, caring, and probably have some sort of worshiping going on.

Depression: Myth or Reality?

The treatments of psychiatry are getting more and more ridiclous. And more and more people are calling them out on it. HERE (and another site which basically says depression is a mirage and its due to peoples' self-esteem and there inability to cope with change). I don't agree with this since obviously the person that wrote this has put up an defense mechanism, and an overgeneralizion of this malaise. However, how can I argue against what he says? There are no tests for depression, albeit, they can scan your brain and find abnormal features. This abnormal features, however, are not a conclusive diagnosis of depression.

It's like I'm in limbo. I can not prove I have depression, yet I can not disprove it. And there is where the loophole comes in. Skeptics of major depression feed on this but most probably don't know any kinda of scientific findings I sited. So, I feel they draw from their experience and just say "theres the strong-minded and the weak-minded." Another point I want to make is even in the psychology and psychiatry fields there are skeptics. So, how could some outsider expect to know depression is real when the experts are ignorant as well?

I just know that in an argument there is always an ignorant party. Thus, there would be no argument. Obviously, the guy that wrote the piece has suffered some type of depression. So, he contends that he has manage to beat depression so why can't the world? This is just a speculation on my part because before "the beast" hit me I've had those bouts of depression and beat them. Subsequently, I had the same opinion as him. So, I can not blame someone that is ignorant of the subject.

While I suffer from insomnia, anxiety, depression, sucidial thoughts, no relationships, agorphobia, and no ambition I grapple with the idea of is depression real? Why can't I snap out of it? I've tried my damnest to break out of it to no avail. So while the majority of people disregard the fact depression is real, I suffer the pain that people could think that. However, this does not really bother me that much because I'm just trying to make it through the day.

In summary, One day we will find the cause of this malaise and I will rejoice. Wow, that was a postive comment from a depressed person. Nahh it's called hope and one day there will be a real treatment for the beast.

To PSYCHOSURGERY.ORG about DBS

HI,

Look at these videos and it will explain what major depression is. Since you have zero clue on it.
And excercise and taking ginko blogo is almost laughable. (as the editors of this site claim)

HERE
HERE

Or HERE... the website

I'm gone now I need to get my light therapy on (which is for S.A.D. for the ignorant people). Its great!!!