So, hey I'm back. Well I just finished 6 months of college and got 4 classes in. It was tough because you're on the grind 24/7, it is like a 20 hour week, or a part-time job. You got to have a lot of discipline because you are your own boss for 6 months. You got papers due, test due, and presentations due. The summer semester was fast, and demanding.
I had 4 oral presentations in two classes this semester, that was my greatest fear to present in front of people, you think it would get easier but it doesn't. Now if the class was a group all semester I think it would be easier because you can practice, and get to know each other. I met a lot good people this semester, a lot of people that are professional, and are straighter than an arrow. A lot a people that do work, and work all day long. This is my competition, I don't know how I'm going to compete for a job with one of these folks, but hey I'll worry about them when it comes up.
So how's my depression and anxiety? Well I think my depression stays in check when I'm busy, I've had group almost 8 months now, so that is every tuesday, I'll have to quit going to group because I'll have a class in that time slot. Well my anxiety is always high, because I'm out there talking to people, doing presentations, and helping others at group. The anxiety never lets up, I have a persistent chest tightness from the anxiety. I'm using CBT every day and that seems to being doing the trick. For example, I think 'oh what if this guy gets on to me for asking a question?' STOP I'm mindreading and catastrophizing in the same sentence, yeah I do this daily. STOP, STOP
I'm now on Remeron 15mg, Ambien 10mg, Pamelor 150mg, and Xanax 1mg(only when needed). I still worry about when I'm on Xanax my intellectual abilities seem to suffer, I'm not as sharp when I'm on it. However, I truly need it some days , or I would just quit. Just knowing I have a back plan does the trick, and gets me through the anxiety moment, or event. I think I'm on too many meds, but I'm going to keep taking them as prescribed. If I'm worried about I'll just dropped the shit, no need in taking three medicines and not it working. My psychiatrist is pretty sharp though, if I'm willing to put myself out there, I believe he is willing to do his best. However, if I'm not doing my best, I won't get his best. Which makes sense, I guess I wouldn't want to treat someone that doesn't try, or isn't trying his best.
What about my drinking? I drank a total of three times in about two years and eight months, and when I've drank I limited to like six beers at best. You're not suppose to be drinking with all these medicines, so that's another motivation not to drink. I yearned it pretty hard when I in a high pressure situation. For instance, my partner in my group in class was supposed to write a paper. At the last minute she said she had not started on it. I couldn't believe she didn't tell me in six weeks we met each other. That was a pretty stupid move, because I could had been working on for six weeks, I could tell that she wasn't doing it but I trusted her. Well I wrote the paper in a night, I learned that she was a procrastinator, and only did stuff when she had like 24 hours to do it. Hey I guess it works for her, but in a group that is messed up. Well after that day I was pretty stressed out, and wanted to drink a gallon of whiskey, but never did in the end. I was just too tired after that.
Additionally, I had two 10 page essays this semester, I worked on them just about every day. I just don't have many friends to be around like when I was 18. It's due to my social phobia and my mood problems. I don't know how I'll fix this in a job related activity. Moreover coming August 16th I'll have 12 hours--probably a 25 hour week, and four classes, that is the most I've ever taken, I think I can do it with the proper amount of anxiety and sleep.
All in all, keeping busy has suppressed my depression, and my anxiety has risen. Insomnia has wrecked me a couple of days this semester, I got like 20 hours with no sleep, yeah there is going to be a lot of irritability, and I suffer from this constantly. As for a love life, I've come close to one this semester but nothing panned out, I really believe if I was out there 10-20 more hours I would have all kinds of girls. That's just it , girls come to you when you are dependable, and out-going. It took me a while to figure it out, and I thought it was me. That doesn't make sense, cause I had all kinds of girls when I was 17-20, but since my depression hit, I've not had much of any kind of girls. Besides, who would want to go out with someone that's depressed? I don't think many.
Well my main problems now are anxiety , and insomnia. My depression has leveled-out with me being busy, and running everyday for an hour and a half. Also, I think my meds are doing well, I think this time I'm doing it right with the school thing. Although, I've had a couple of weeks where I almost quit, largely from lack of sleep, maybe I just should not go to class when I haven't slept. This would be a bad idea though, if you miss too much you fail.
In conclusion, I would say I about a six out of 10, with one being the worst. Good luck
