2003-2007 started out pretty good. The govt. took my disability away from . the thing is I didn't go to the psychiatrist because nothing they were doing was helping. So, they took it away because of lack of paperwork. I appealed and got rejected. The next step was to go to court. To make a long story short I won the appeal but it took a lot out of me.
On this note I started going back to the psychiatrist. I felt pressured to get back in school. I felt like I wasn't doing enough because they took my disability away. I pushed myself to get back to school. This was a bad move as I look at it now.
I went back to college and worked at the university. I know deep down I could not handle the pressure of school. I went for 2 years and it nearly killed me. I got hooked on benzos and alcohol from the stress of school. Of course add not sleeping, and bipolar to the mix and this is a deadly combo.
I was drinking heavily, up to 16 beers on some nights. On weekdays, I started drinking 2-3 times a week. I was folding under the pressure of school and work. All this time I was going to the doctor. I did not tell them, because they would had put me in rehab. Plus the govt. would had probably revoked by disability.
Finally one day I was about to take a beer to school because I couldn't handle it. I said 'that's it I'm quitting it all.' After 2006-07 when I quit school I started drinking more and more.
I see now that I was trying to kill myself through xanax and drinking alcohol. I continued to drink to 2008. I would have 3 day hangovers, throwing up, and just plain feeling like shit. Also I quit going to the psychiatrist because even that got too much for me. I really don't see how I'm alive, I mean many people die from a combination of xanax and alcohol. I was drinking 3 times a week and popping 6-8 m grams of xanax.
Sometime in 2008 I said to myself 'the costs of drinking outweighs the benefits'. My responsibility to my parents was increasing and that did it. Just one day I said that's it, I haven't drank a drop in 1 year and 3 months. I did it straight cold turkey. I started running 2 hours a day, and probably haven't missed a day in the time frame I quit drinking. I think running helps me sort my thoughts out. I guess right now it is going as good as it has before I started drinking. In October of 2009 I will be reviewed again.
I don't know if I want to go through the process again, maybe I'll just drop my SSI. I'm tired of the govt. watching my every move, it's like I'm a criminal or something. I might have a girlfriend that would be a huge accomplishment. I haven't had any love in my life since 9 years ago. Yes, 9 years without a girlfriend, I don't know if it would help.
